She visited me again. I wanted to tell her to think positive. I wanted to tell her I know your pain and secrets. I wanted to tell her not to be so bitter and frustrated about someone with whom you shared a team , once. A bench in a classroom , once. I wanted to tell her to be my friend, to forget the negativity of ridiculing people, to ask her not to bully the ones who are not like her. I wanted to tell her I used to like her until the day she crossed her limits. I wanted to tell her, success is a very relative term. Instead of chasing others, chase happiness. Be contend with yourself, not with other´s attentions. Don´t compete with the phantom imaginary enemies. Better defeat the enemy within you and be a lovely person.
But I did not tell her anything. I hardly trust her anymore. I don´t trust her anymore because that very day, she made me to turn my worst revengeful version , for my own defense. I don´t trust her, because she showed why jealousy brings out the devils from our inside without giving a second thought to the special good-old days. I wanted to tell her, she has a sharp mind. Instead of stupid chitchat and gossiping like the dumb-ones, she should focus on being her better self, the same way she protects her little sister.
But I did not tell her anything. That very day, she compelled me to cross my limits of tolerance.
Its more that 2 years since then. The memory still haunts me. I still wonder why she did that to me. How much level of self-respect one needs to forget to bully others that badly, out of no where.
Then I understand. She faced years of ignorance, and sophisticated bullying days after days.She wanted to come across as smart, super-woman. She wanted to be the best. Attacking the weaker ones was the best solution she could apply with her teen-age maturity to feed her ego,by then.
In the process, she forgot all the stuffs I did for her as a friend. Or may be, in the world of such an emotional chaos, those stuffs did not matter to her at all. She took them as granted. Or perhaps, she did not notice at all. 🙂
Or may be, she has no idea how much I used to defend her on her back, when her supposedly best boys used to spread cheap comments on her.
She´ll never know. And I don´t bother anymore to tell her.
I wish, someday , she´ll admit her mistakes and I´ll get rid of my own night-mares. The night-mare of being my worst, till date. The nightmare of being failed as a wise and evolved person. The nightmare of the reality that destroyed my self-acclaimed emotional-actualization and brought the messy days back in my life.
Until then, all the best to her. She is smart enough to be Someone someday, with respect to the social definition of being successful.